booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
