Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
