I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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