I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
