I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it was like having sex with a tree stump
How's work?
Spinning.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
