Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
