george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
