God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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