the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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