I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
