I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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