Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
