She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
