Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
