Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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