You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
