I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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