1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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