he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
