Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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