True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize