Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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