Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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