uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
