Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
