Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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