I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
