The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
