i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
jump out the window naked night went bad
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
