Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
