Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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