I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
last night I used snow as a chaser
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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