Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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