Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
