I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize