your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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