im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
