cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
