I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
