worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
