that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
