there's paper in my vomit.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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