i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
