she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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