Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
