But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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