I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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