John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
