you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
