So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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