Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
