if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
