I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize