she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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