well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
