if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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