I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
