she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
