i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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