do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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